Several years ago, as is my want, I was indulging my soul bird, that gentle element that dwells within the depths of this body that is lovingly on loan to me for the duration of this particular human journey that I now find myself in the midst of. I happened upon what for me, holds as much fondness, warmth and sheer pleasure as that a mother feels when gazing upon her slumbering infant; you know the feeling I mean don't you? When you have just bathed them, dried them off, then sifted them all over with a cloud of pure white talcum powder, filling your senses with that sweet familiar aroma that one intrinsically associates with either the very young or the very old. Then you snuggle them up in freshly launder PJs or onesie and slide them safely and lovingly beneath the sheets of their nocturnal nest; then as you sit there holding that tiny trusting hand in yours, humming lullabies; smiling as you watch their eyes fight a futile battle with sleep; there, in that moment, when the stillness has descended and peace is your companion once more, then in that precious pearl of perfection, a feeling of warm overwhelming love comes over you that makes total sense of the your very existence, giving meaning to it, and you, in the most magical way you could imagine.
So it was for me when I happened upon a small bookshop hidden down the backstreet of a little Cornish village nearby where I live. Not merely a book shop though, for on opening the pale blue sand bleached door, treasures were revealed to me, such that I thought I had actually died and gone to heaven...for there in front of me were old chapel chairs, adorned with vintage fabric covered cushions, frills and pleats in abundance, patchwork tablecloths lazily languished on well loved pine tables, and a driftwood counter bedecked with the most mouthwatering and utterly indulgent homemade cakes and pastries, all topped off with Clarke and Clarke bunting dancing aloft the book shelves........I knew in that moment, that all was lost and the well laid plans I had had for the rest of my day were doomed. I knew for sure that my visit here was not going to be a brief affair; but, little did I know that having entered this magical place, I was to fall in love in a way I had never experienced before, that I was to embark upon a path that would ultimately bring healing, harmony and happiness into my life.
The shelves around me were laden with books (after all it was a book shop) but it became clear that these books all had a common message, a gentle theme running through them, weaving in and out of every page, filling the air around me, like ribbons dancing in the breeze, a softness that bid you turn each page with an eagerness to drink in the words, to dive into the reassuring warmth, love and comfort that dwelt therein. One such book found its way off the shelves and into my hands, a small book, not much larger than the size of a coaster.......I began to flick through its pages, easily done as there could only be but a handful of words upon each, but then I found myself doing as other occupants of this hidden gem were doing, ordering tea and a slice of deep filled Victoria sponge cake, then settling on one of the inviting recycled chapel chairs; my bags discarded on the ground beside me, still with book in hand... The book in question that I held so tenderly and was now reading with such intent was by a woman called, Kim McMillen who, the introduction informed me, had for nearly forty years lived with a guarded heart, believing that to love oneself was an indulgence that should not be pursued. The book was called, "When I loved myself enough....."
I personally believe it to be a very simple, humble and beautiful love story, an unrivalled romance between a woman and her soul, from which a deep spiritual knowing, understanding and connection with and of her higher self was manifest. The key to a life she had denied herself for so long was divinely and gently placed into her tentatively outstretched hand, and with it she took the first step to unlocking her soul, freeing her heart and unleashing a spiritually guided abundance of peace, love, light and laughter into her world. Her secret..................? Kim began to LOVE HERSELF without guilt or self criticism......
Her daughter writes at the end of the book with much pain I fear, about how her mother died suddenly and unexpectedly shortly after writing her book. The poignancy of such a reality is heart breaking; but just maybe, in writing this beautiful book, Kim had succeeded in doing exactly what she had ultimately come here to do. In short she had found her higher purpose through sharing her thoughts and wisdom with others, and by offering up one very important message, that being that we need and owe it to ourselves to LOVE OURSELF, just as much as we love others. To be kind, nurturing and forgiving of, and to ourselves. Not to judge harshly or expect too much and to nourish our souls by acknowledging what it is that makes us uniquely happy. I have a belief that we are all here for a reason, that we have a part to play, a mark to leave on this universe. We are ourselves miracles, our very existence is a miracle, as yet unexplained. But I am sure that we are born out of love and that we each bring a piece of the puzzle with us, that will, one day fit together with others, to make the whole picture clear. Kim brought to all who read her words the gift of hope and love, a very important and fundamental love, one that can unite nations, strangers, families, friends and enemies alike. Her words give us permission to look within and focus upon our needs as well as others. She teaches us that in order to receive and give to others, unconditional, genuine, pure, enduring love and compassion, we have first to love ourselves.....
For so long I have lived a life in which I believed that I had to love and put others needs first and above my own; to nurture and enrich their souls, to please them and ensure that I did all that I could to facilitate the best quality of life possible for them. In so doing, I felt sure that I was being true to myself, being a good person; that consequently I would be happy, that I would receive love in abundance, because we only got back what we give out. And yes, I did and still do get pleasure from doing for others, being kind, putting my love into action in any way I can. For years I was a nurse and didn't just care for my patients, but loved each one as if they were my own family. I have loved both my ex husband and my ex partner more than I have loved myself, each time believing that this was what my faith and my soul was telling me was the 'right' thing to do, as surely to love myself first, was arrogant, lacking in compassion for others and shamefully indulgent.
However, I was wrong. I was wrong because the one person who really needed my love, was ME ! I ignored that inner voice, that inherent knowing deep within me, my soul. And each time the voice cried out in pain, begging for attention, for some sign that it was loved, that it had value and worth to me, I allowed my fears and guilt to punish it, acting as it gaoler, locking it away in the darkest corners of a cruel, cold, hard cell.
The cost of such actions has been high for me...................for in doing this I have for a large part of my life given away my self respect, my power, my self esteem and become 'small'. Because of this I have known heartache that has been unbearable. Loneliness has been my cloak and emptiness the hook on which it hangs. Fear has dictated my path in life and the quality of my human experience to date. Insecurity has been my prison and kept me from the world and all the glorious gifts it has to offer. Self criticism and guilt have been the guards standing watch at the door to my prison. For I have neglected to show compassion, love and care to my soul, to the very essence of who I am, of what defines me. My spiritual being, my heart, I have cruelly denied for so long, starved them of affection, beaten them into submission, subconsciously labelled them worthless and held them in such disregard. Is it then any wonder that my heart aches and my life is not filled with abundance, prosperity, perfect health, divine love and healing?
The miracle for me is that without my knowing, a divine hand, my higher self, who loves me no matter how much my fears, ego or insecurities taint me, serendipitously lead me to Kim's little book, not just lead me, but made it irresistibly inviting for me to venture into the magical book shop, to coax me to sit and ultimately introduce me to the love of my life...MYSELF! Needless to say that that little book, which I now treasure, left the book shop some several hours and numerous cups of tea later, nestled safely in my bag clothed in its ethically recycled rustic brown paper and string wrapper, and has since found its rightful place on my bedside table, where each night it gently and mindfully leads me into slumber, its wise words guiding me to a place where dreams come true and authenticity reigns.
There is no shame in loving yourself enough, it is not self indulgent or wrong. The truth is that God and all manner of spiritual teachings/religions tell us that we must love others as we love ourselves, which implies that we have to know how to love ourselves first, if we are to love others in the same way. Loving yourself does not mean you have to ignore others, or treat them as lesser beings, or that you are selfish or egocentric, far from it. By loving yourself enough you will not be able to stop yourself from loving others without measure, unconditionally, spiritually and soulfully. In return you will find that love, light, peace, harmony, abundance, prosperity, perfect health, healing and direction will flood into your life and also the lives of those around you.
So, listen to that voice within. Listen to your soul, it knows you completely. You can not hide from it or keep secrets from it; It is divine love. It is your beacon, your guide. It is eternal. It is your unique essence; intangible proof that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. So please, love it, cherish it, nurture it, enjoy it and marvel in its beauty, for therein lies your authentic self and your path to eternal peace and happiness.
"When I loved myself enough
I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy.
This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits-
anything that kept me small.
My judgement called it disloyal.
Now I see it as self loving."
"When I loved myself enough
I forgave myself for all the times
I thought I wasn't good enough."
"When I loved myself enough
I began to feel a divine presence
in me and hear its guidance.
I am learning to trust this
and live from it."
Kim McMillen
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